FEAR

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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

I started to live by this words, in high school, I won’t tell you when that is, when I noticed that always telling people the truth is 99% not a good thing. I was called mean and heartless once for making an honest comment, helpful not even critical. People who know me are probably rolling their eyes but i promise this time it was a helpful comment. It wasn’t received well, so this days i keep the truth to my self, and tell people what they want to hear. I actually tell my sister, you don’t want to hear my truth so tell me what you want to hear and i will repeat. This is 100% effective.

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I tend to stay clear of sensitive topics, where an innocent comment can be misconstrued as malicious or ignorant. So Kenya has been at…I don’t want to say War, but that is what it feels like…Kenya has been experiencing high insecurity since the Alshabab attack in Garissa. Although they killed 148 students and left families in mourning they seemed to have achieved something greater, control. Fear controls people. We don’t want to do things that we used to enjoy five or two years ago because we are afraid. We don’t want to be at the right place at the wrong time. You don’t want to be amongst that number that people talk about for a few weeks then forget.

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I was looking forward to the FaFa Fashion market as a designer, a wino and a foodie, but that got canceled, because we realized that the normal security guards used in these kind of events aren’t enough. It took me a while to comment on this because I just didn’t have anything nice to say. We have gone from worrying about that guy who will swipe your purse to a madman who is determined to kill a person he is has never met before. I’m kind of wondering how we got here, and why this wasn’t nipped in the bud earlier on.

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I am afraid of a lot of things, the dark, flying and heights but I can live with this things. I fall asleep, I fix my ass in a seat for four hours in the air, and when I’m in an elevator I try not to think about final destination movies. But one thing I, we cannot live with is insecurity, the fear that one minute you may be talking to your best friend about school, or your boyfriend or your kids and the next you cease to exists. Things will never be normal, so we now have our new normal. Vigilant, a word i don’t even use in my books has now become part of my vocabulary.

Soon I hope I will go back to just being scared of the dark.

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

mand

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